How to Ninja
by Good Omens
Summary: What to do when you're reincarnated. Or; When you can't shut up to save your own damn life. [Will have updates, see A/N above first chapter for explanation.]
1. Uchiha Sasuke, Take One

**A/N: Imagine not knowing of Naruto, imagine not having ever heard even bits or pieces about it. And then imagine being reborn as one of the main characters within it. Imagine never having killed, imagine having lived a peaceful life in a country where war had never been something on your mind. And then think of how it would be to have to grow up to become someone who could kill with a flick of their wrist, and be commended for it.**

 **That's what this is.**

 **Also, this is just a one-shot, I don't know if I'll ever update on this part specifically. I'm in the process of writing several of these things but with one chapter for every character. So next chapter I update will have a different character, and so on. I just put it as complete because technically the updates I post are complete.**

 **Disclaimer: As usual, I shouldn't even have to point out the many differences between me and the creator of Naruto.**

* * *

I had read 'Pride and Prejudice' once. Just once, but with the help of the internet, there were several quotes from that book that I'd learned by heart, and one of them was 'laugh as much a you choose, but you will not laugh me out of my opinion'. I liked that quote just as much as it disgruntled me.

Not only did it imply that you should stick to your opinion and not allow the mockery of others stop you from believing, it also spoke of stubbornness. What if we were wrong and proved to be fools? What if the truth was that we were being prejudiced and cruel by association? Should we still stick to those opinions?

I guess what I really should have thought of was if I could survive the public bias, should I have chosen to kept to my opinion in this very special case, because as it was now, I was facing incarceration and possibly execution. And all that was at fault was my own idiocy for not realizing that I was not making things better for myself by outwardly speaking wrongs of the protectors of this world.

The Shinobi had good reasons for wanting to be rid of me, as I was challenging their very existence.

A whisper had led me astray, the roots in the dark had not taken hold in the earth, I hadn't listened to the indoctrination of the 'ninja way' or 'will of fire'. I had chosen to hold onto my past and stick my head in the dirt. And now, the rest of my body would follow.

I had no doubt I would have wallowed in these thoughts, if it wasn't for a hushed murmur calling my new name, calling for, "Sasuke."

Raising my head, I turned blank eyes upon the only person who would never abandon me, never leave me, except for if I were to be careless with my words. I did not know if I would have to explain myself to him, perhaps he knew me in a way I thought he couldn't. He had watched me grow into this new life, had watched and protected me as well as he could, before I had begun opening my mouth and letting all the wrong words fall out.

I just hadn't wanted to be a ninja, I didn't want to live in a world where people died every day for something like that. I'd thought that if I began early, eventually they would see what a better world it could be if we didn't need ninja. I'd just started at the wrong path to it.

"Itachi," A mumble left me, almost cracking in the middle at the dryness that came with not having spoken for so long. "W-why-?"

"Little brother," His tone seemed almost impossibly fond as he regarded me from the door, but he did not stop there, choosing to march in to lift me into his arms, and trusting him as I did - and welcoming death for my own world if he chose to end me - I let him. I would never have won a fight against him, nor did I want to, with what I knew of him.

I'd heard of a theory, once. The immersion theory. It went a little along the lines of throwing someone into the deep end of the pool and expecting them to very quickly learn swimming. Well, I'd learned, alright. Just, where most would learn the flawless butterfly technique or whatever, I'd learned to doggy paddle. Mainly, that meant I'd survived by latching on to the closest family I had and forcing them to love me, because I hadn't wanted to die before I could protect myself from this dangerous world.

Short version: I trusted them to love me enough to keep me alive. And if they couldn't do that, it meant no one would. So, if they were the ones to end me, I'd know I had a worse fate in store that they wanted to save me from.

I placed my head on the shoulder of my big brother and watched as we left my little cell. There were no one around, so I couldn't tell if this was a breakout or if this was me actually being freed. The uniform Itachi was wearing should have been a hint to the latter, but then, that could be just for the sake of smuggling me out. I didn't know if I even wanted to know what was reality in this case.

I could hope desperately that it was freedom given, not freedom taken, but I was too old to believe that. No ninja would allow the freedom of someone speaking against their existence.

It was dark outside when we finally got there, which spoke more for the side of me that said this was an escape attempt, and I still couldn't see or hear anyone else. Not that I'd notice if anyone wanted to remain hidden, I hadn't, despite my awe at the possibility of walking upon water, allowed myself to train in the ninja arts.

After all, if I did not practice what I preach, who would ever listen to me?

Itachi had become a ninja. He had probably killed, too. But I would forgive him that, because I never saw the killer in him. I was never forced to confront that as a fact before, and I hoped I never would, because I needed to be able to cling to someone who could still love me no matter what I said. Without being afraid of them. And Itachi was that for me.

Which meant that when we did not once turn to where I vaguely remembered the Uchiha, we, lived, and passed the walls of the village without seeing a single soul, I did not speak a single word, content to trust in him until he forced me not to.

I would happily live a life of lies with Itachi so long as he would love me enough to allow me to.


	2. Uzumaki Naruto, Take One

**A/N: The OC 'self-insert but not really' in this one is a sweary little thing. Be warned. And you may need to keep in mind the attention span of children, here, you're going to need it to understand the jumping of thoughts and time.**

 **Disclaimer: Also, I am so obviously not the creator of Naruto, despite how I might have wished to be just that.**

* * *

Death is a terrible thing that takes everyone, eventually. How do I know this? Easily. It has already taken me.

I think, anyway. I'm not sure about the details, the last thing I remember is going to bed. And waking up as another person in a terrifying moment. Thus I am going to assume that I died. First order of business, accept that there's probably no way of getting back to my family. Not for me, not without ending up a ninja.

There is no way in Hel that I am going to end up a ninja. I'll swear to any God or Goddess needed, I refuse to become a murderer.

Even if I am a canon character, the plot will just have to go on without me!

...Damn it, there's literally no way I'm going to be allowed to not be a ninja. Fuck. Why, Fate? Why?

I know, I know. I sound like a whiny little bitch, pathetic and too used to a good life. Well, guess what! I'm not. And my denial of that does in no way prove anyone's point unless they agree with my opinion. I learnt the lesson of making sure to acknowledge that, early on. Before this new life.

But seriously, Fate, why? Of all the people, why Uzumaki Naruto? Why the kid with a demon sealed within him?

Why not Hinata? Kiba? I'd take even Shisui! He died early on, after all, and wasn't really important except for his eyes being special and giving Itachi the Mangekyo. And all the Uchiha except Sasuke died in the massacre, so it wouldn't have mattered if I'd been Shisui and hadn't been the awesome and understanding friend he clearly was. Probably.

Well, fuck the plot, then. If whoever put me here or let met get here wanted the plot to remain, they should've considered their actions more clearly. I am definitely not going to run around practically killing myself to protect a village of morons. Morons that didn't consider me their problem. And by me, I mean Naruto, of course.

What kind of idiocy even was that? If Naruto was the Kyübi, wouldn't it be better to stay on his good side? If he really was a demon, why nail themselves into his memory by hurting him? How stupid were these civilians? Was it because they were from Konoha? Was this the end result of a village where the civilians were happily shielded from the pain of the outside world? Fucking hippies.

Okay, so, technically I could've somewhat been considered a hippie in my previous life, but I'd learnt my lesson! No judging people for something they couldn't control - I'd nailed that into my mind as quickly as possible!

Second order of business. Make sure I don't end up a ninja. I don't particularly even want to go home, anyway. My family can do without me, even if there's a ridiculous amount of ways of me getting embarrassed by what is found in my things. I don't have to be there to get embarrassed, so that won't be a problem. So long as I don't think about it, I'll be just fine.

Luckily, I don't remember the Kyübi attack or Tobi, not as Naruto, so that's okay. I can pretend to not know anything about the seal on me or, well, anything. I'm not going to be buddy-buddy with Kurama, either. I can't afford to have myself discovered, I don't want to end up locked up and prodded until I spill all my secrets. The thought of it is terrifying, even if I probably could've made a deal where I'd be allowed to read and write and whatever.

Even I, an introvert, need to stretch my legs and live life as if not being watched. If I spilled, I'd be watched for the rest of my life. That's way too embarrassing.

Selfish of me, you say? Yeah, it definitely is, but so what? This is my life, after all, I should be allowed to make my own choices.

...Oh Gods, what if this ninja world really was Japanese? I didn't know kanji or any of that, except the one for love! Crap! No! Okay. Calm down. I am calm. I am not going to freak out. I may never learn to read here but does that not mean that there is more a chance that I won't be a ninja? I'm not an auditory learner, I have to write things down to understand, so clearly I won't be learning-

Oh. I'm not alone.

...Are those other children? Am I.. In the orphanage?

Fuck.

* * *

It took me no less than half a year at the orphanage to discover that I loathed being male, despite the fact that in my previous life, I'd always thought that being a male would've been easier and better. Well, now I knew what I'd use that perverted henge of Naruto's- Oh. That meant having to go to the Academy.

Well, I'd just have to learn and then purposefully fail. No one was bothering to teach me to read, after all, because I wasn't anybody's problem, and that meant it wouldn't even be difficult to fail. So long as I passed enough to be allowed to learn of 'Chakra' and the three E-ranks.

Good thing the Sandaime did, a few times, come visit. Every month or so, which was surprisingly more often than I'd thought he would. And a relief, because that meant I was safer from the matron and all the other adults. Lonely, but safer.

"Naruto-kun," He said something more in that fond tone of his that I was beginning to always expect, but I wasn't really listening anymore, and didn't completely understand anything, anyway. And it was stupid of me, really, to enjoy his fondness, since I'd be disappointing him soon enough, but I felt comfortable with the man anyway. He was trustworthy. For now. And because he clearly expected something of me, I blinked at him, staring blankly otherwise. Showing emotions that I didn't quite know how to label was an art I hadn't managed even in my previous life, so obviously it'd be difficult as a little boy. Who wanted to be a girl, not that it showed in how I dressed.

Or that I had a choice of what to wear. I'd been handed some clothes that had apparently been picked out for me and it always happened when I outgrew my previous sets. Always a white t-shirt, of which I hated, and black shorts, which I liked.

On the one hand, my inability in that matter meant instant poker face, on the other hand, no puppy eyes to get out of trouble with or as much trust as the original Naruto had had with the old man - he'd had that 'Will of Fire' thing and I'm pretty sure I don't have even a drop of it.

Honestly, I think I'm just relieved that he hasn't decided to think the Kyuubi is in control, or anything like that. Clearly he either trusted the Yondaime a lot or Jiraya's checked the seal while I was sleeping. Or both. That wouldn't last, though, if I didn't stop being so strange. So I dropped my head on his chest and closed my eyes, my tiny body trusting this man instinctively enough to keep relaxed.

And before I knew it, I'd gone and fallen asleep. On his lap. Which wasn't even remotely as embarrassing as waking up and remembering it.

Or waking up and realizing that I was still there, and that he'd brought me along to, give me a heart-attack now please, his office in that big tower-place. I didn't remember what they called the building, y'know, other than a building, but I'm pretty sure this was, along with being an important place all on it's own, just above other important places. Like, the mission office. And wasn't the Academy here or was that elsewhere?

At least I would get lost less, as I grew up, if he continued doing this. Though it was strange that he'd not just left me at the Orphanage, did he want me to get used to seeing ninja and maybe admire them? Maybe he thought that if I saw that they didn't glare at me, I'd like them and want to be 'just like them!' or something. It sounded sneaky ninja enough, anyway.

And damn it all, it was working.

* * *

I had swore to myself I wouldn't be a ninja, but everyone and their grandmother expected me to still go to the Academy, and without realizing it was where we were going, I'd gone ahead and gone with the Hokage straight there. Sneaky old man, not having told me. I should've expected it, after he failed to make me show clear excitement about ninjas.

Not that I hadn't been in awe, it kept getting more and more awesome, but with the constant reminder that they were murderers? I could do without.

I didn't complain, though, if nothing else then I wouldn't be so bored, anymore, even if I expected the loneliness to continue. None of the other kids would be my friends, and with how childish most of them were, I didn't want them to be, anyway. Sure, I know the original Naruto was on friendly terms with a few of them, even if it only lasted on the playground and in class, but I couldn't find it in myself to skip and be rowdy and run around to play all day long. It sounded exhausting, even if my legs twitched in the excitement of actually having someone to do that with.

I suspected I had a minor, at least, case of ADD. Or was that ADHD? I could never really remember the differences, but I guess with all that Chakra I no doubt had due to being Naruto, it had to be one of them. No doubt, it was only my well-developed spiritual side, probably, that allowed me to keep still more than he had. Probably.

I wasn't going to be as stupid as to go to the Hospital and actually inquire about it, it'd be way too difficult to explain away how I figured that one out all on my own, and I didn't want them to think of me as smart. That might mean early graduation, if I didn't stay stupid long enough for the massacre of the Uchihas to happen.

And about the Uchiha massacre? Well, as much as I felt guilty about letting a lot of people die - in a way, that could be argued as making me a murderer, too - I just didn't want to make things any easier for the various villains after the Sharingan. Case in point, Danzo, who would be taking first Shisui's eye (and if Shisui couldn't stop him, I had no hope), then several from the dead. Though letting them die... Well, I guess I could always think of it as not making it so the Uchiha went missing on missions. Besides, they were planning a coup. I, as Naruto, did not think that would end well for me. It was pure self-preservation, to be honest. I didn't want to be controlled, I didn't want to murder, I didn't want to die.

This world was my version of Hell.

Which was very much proven by the stares from many adults as my, Naruto's, name was called for a class. None of the children had seemed to immediately care, but I squashed the hope of peers immediately from my mind, since I didn't doubt for a moment that the parents would warn their children away from me.

It wasn't like I'd mind much, I kept cringing at having to deal with so many children, every day, for so many hours. Growing up a second time was mortifying and terrifying all at once. Puberty, too, would be Hell. I would never manage to survive that embarrassment as a male. Never mind that Naruto probably hadn't truly had time for that, I wanted time for that even if I didn't want to go through puberty.

On the plus side, I'd gotten to choose my 'ninja wear'. The Hokage himself had gone shopping with me. And there was definitely no orange on me other than the spiral that seemed to be on everything. I'd taken a little time to find something, because I'd never gone shopping for boys, but satisfaction brought this kitty back with the colors of blues and greens. Which would have been way better if he'd let me buy 'girly' clothing, but no matter, I'd manage that whenever I was allowed to shop on my own. Just wait and see.

Still, none of my classmates were giving me a disgusted look for my clothing, so it was a tentative win. Especially since there didn't seem to be any hatred of a kind on their faces, as far as I could see. I think one of them even smiled at me, and I had to double-take on that, surprised to note that it had been some child I didn't immediately recognize. Weird.

Roll call got even weirder. I recognized a lot of the names, and didn't, for many others, but some things stood out to me, like Shikamaru. I felt like someone had walked over my grave, at that announcement - and Hell, maybe someone did - and a part of me just knew he'd figure things out if I didn't watch myself.

This. Was going to be Hell.

* * *

My nerves distracted me for most of the time that I wasn't struggling with remembering how this alphabet worked, but when the time came for a break, my luck ran out, and the children were everywhere. I was one of those unlucky ones that didn't really know anyone here, and it _showed_.

Still, I slowly followed the stream, hands in my pockets to hide my fear with nonchalance. No one wanted to be the bullied kid in class, and there was always one of those, for as long as I could remember. This being a Ninja Academy, I suspected they weren't as strict on it, since we were supposed to learn to fight, and being too afraid to stand up for yourself made you pretty pathetic.

That doesn't mean I didn't go straight for that swing, when I noticed it. I'd loved swings when I was a child the first time around - a fact that hadn't completely stopped as I grew up. I didn't care if it would be a point against me as Naruto, somehow, the swing used to give me peace back then and hopefully it could continue to do that. With a lot of speed. So here's hoping that the rope was tight and strong enough to take it. Otherwise this was going to get painful.

I wasn't planning on letting the idea of pain stop me from one of my favorite things, I was young and light enough that I should be safe and if the Sandaime was stupid enough to not place an ANBU on me that could catch me if things went badly, well, then Konoha deserved to have the Kyübi unleashed on them again. Maybe they'd learn from their mistakes.

Or not. What did I care? I'd be dead, I'm sure. Again. And hopefully, if I absolutely had to be reincarnated once more, it'd be somewhere a lot more peaceful. Like that school with the Host club. Those were some crazy people, but at least there was no murder involved, as far as I could remember.

Speaking of crazy people, though, I was getting a lot of attention, now. There was actual cheering at the height I was gaining, but no one thought it safe to try to stop me, so when I, in a moment of inattention, failed to keep a hold of the rope, I was successfully thrown off the swing and was falling towards the ground in a slightly - if I am going to be honest, it was terrifying - scary speed.

It was pretty painful to land, because the kids had all gasped in awe as I flew and then squealed in terror and all but disappeared as I seemed to be crashing into the ground. I'm not sure if they all just left me there or if someone ran to get a teacher who might actually care, but I'm pretty sure I was going to the Hospital eventually today, if I lived.

I figured it would probably be a good idea to not have to be awake through that, so I let myself black out and the last thing I saw was a flash of blue.


	3. Yakushi Kabuto, Take One

**A/N: So. This time I'm choosing someone outside the main characters. Also a male (must be something about those guys that keep me doing so despite being female). And of course, as usual my disclaimer promises that I am not the creator of Naruto. Just a measly fanfiction writer. And speaking of that, I'm actually aware that this isn't how things went for canon!Kabuto, but I dropped the butterfly theory into the fanfic and, well, you'll see for yourself how that went.**

* * *

I'd realized they probably couldn't afford to put all the orphans through the academy nor could they afford to keep all of the children - myself, included - in the orphanage for very long, but I had never considered that they might send ninjas to check the kids out or to start the mental conditioning. I thought that was the job of the minders.

I was very pleased to discover I'd been wrong in this case, for here he stood, a ninja. Probably an instructor from the school, even, because who else would waste time on all of these kids? This was a great opportunity to get a head start, though, and you'd better believe I would take it.

"What can this 'chakra' even do?"

The question that attracted everyone's attention was the one coming from a very skeptical, displeased boy.

Yes, that would be me. The me with a plan, that is. I wanted to know what was or wasn't safe, right? What better way to get this ninja to demonstrate a little? If I had a hard time believing and they really wanted children into the Academy, they'd try to convince me it was great. And for that, I would need a demonstration or seventy of Chakra uses.

"I am glad you ask," And he really was, wow, he didn't think that would be possible. Well, maybe there was usually someone who asked or no one ever did and he needed an in to get us to want it more? "Chakra allows you to do quite a few things, like climbing trees without your hands or even walk on water."

* * *

The ramifications of what exactly I'd done with my little stunt didn't hit me until later that night, as I realized that the Chunin that had visited would talk about this and I _had_ attracted his attention with all of my questions. Would it reach someone important? Would I be labeled a, Gods forbid, Prodigy? It wasn't like I knew and understood this world, I didn't know their thought processes. Sure, I understood that certain intelligence meant something to these ninja, but really, I couldn't be sure what the signs were. What if I'd already been labeled?

What if my plan to stay under the radar and not get noticed by Orochimaru had already failed? I did not know how he had met the one I had taken the place of, I was unaware of how Kabuto had become a servant of the Snake Sannin. The very thought of having to grow up to do horrible experiments terrified me more than becoming a ninja ever could.

I desperately hoped everything would work out as I needed it to, and ended up awake all night long, barely managing to get up as the matron started waking everyone.

Blearily looking up at her as she reached me, I mumbled a, "What?" and was punished for it by her ripping my blanket away and cold hitting my skin. She was a kind woman and usually did well by us, but in the mornings, she expected us to wake in time to help out, to keep the Orphanage running. She never pushed us if we were ill, but she always seemed to know if that was the case or not, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised to find her as a medic-nin of some sort, maybe this was the Root ninja hidden in the orphanage? It seemed smart for Danzo to have one here. Retired or something? I thought it was impossible to retire from Root, but then again, I didn't know all that much when it came down to it, anyway.

Would this become a problem, though? Didn't Danzo recruit Kabuto and force her back to serve him? Would Danzo still do that if I made some noise in front of those loyal to the actual Hokage? It was preferable to get stuck bowing to the Hokage over Danzo and Orochimaru, so if it came down to it, I'd gladly attract his attention, but how could I be sure that was what I'd get? For all I knew, the Sandaime wouldn't care enough to keep me from Danzo, and had Orochimaru even defected yet? I knew Kabuto was a bit older than the rookie generation, but I didn't quite know how old.

Probably not as Kakashi's age. I hoped.

My panicking problem was going to be, well, a problem, though. More so than most other things, because this was something I would struggle with, I was sure of it.

On the plus side, I'd already been reincarnated once - into a bad situation, mind you, but still - so how could I be so sure it would be the end for me after this? I'd been "blessed" once, why not twice?

I did remember the saying that went something like "all good things come in threes" or whatever. So. Maybe I would get to use magic next go around? Then again, I hoped not, because most magic worlds I'd read about had had their war troubles. Honestly, it was like there wasn't a single world out there without it's dark sides- And why was I even thinking about this? I'd made a plan, I needed to go about going through with it. Where was my head today? It certainly hadn't followed me as I stumbled out of bed and to get ready for the day.

I needed to be noticed by ninja faithful to the Hokage only. Which meant ninja I knew who the he- ...Were. I should probably stop cursing, too. Eventually that would reach outside my head and if I was going to be the Hokage's pet instead of Orochimaru or Danzo's, I would have to be the good kind of prodigy without pride and all that crap. Plan. Stick to the plan. Plan is survival. For sanity, that is. Not just life.

I would never want to be the kind of man I had seen Kabuto be originally. I could never do it even if I'd have wanted to stick to canon.

I was weak and I was proud of that. Sadly, that too would become a problem for me. What ninja wanted to be weak?

The short answer would be the one that didn't want to be dragged around to do others bidding. Yeah, ninja pets. They existed. And not in the manner that the civilians would mark them down as - animals that belong to ninja - but as actual ninja who were pets.

At least, that's what I figured. I'd never heard of it like that before and probably never would. But I still considered it completely true.

So, despite my arguing with myself on topics that I would never be questioned on, I was leaving the Orphanage. Today. And not for good, just... Long enough to be noticed. Maybe I would meet someone important and well-known. Maybe I'd die.

Just as long as I didn't walk around kissing ass.


	4. Uzumaki Kushina, Take One

**A/N: So funny story. I actually put this chapter up ages ago on the Ao3 version. I've got a draft for the next one, too, on there. So uh, I guess if you really want to read anything I pop into here very quickly, I recommend you go to my Ao3 user (kunnskat).**

* * *

"Tomato!"

My nose wrinkles.

It's a stupid insult, it shouldn't even faze me. I shouldn't even feel the need to react. It's a food item. It's red. And I've never been a huge fan of it unless it's been squashed. It's not even an actual insult. It's just kids being stupid. Stupid kids.

"Shut up! I'll beat you all up if you don't shut up right now!"

It shouldn't bother me, and it doesn't. In a sense. Because it only really fucking irritates me, that's all. And not as much as this existence in it's entirety does, either.

You know, if you had asked me before, I would have gladly told you of how I cackled to myself as I wrote one challenge after another for my characters to go through. I would have smiled and told you all about how I'd be making their lives hell because I love reading the comments of people who'd tell me that they were not expecting that plot twist and it hurt and how could I do such a thing- And that they love me for it.

I loved getting reactions because of what I had written. I loved knowing that my writing was so incredible, that my mind was so good at coming up with stuff, that it made people react so much. That some gasped out loud or laughed out loud in the middle of class. I loved it.

Loved. The -ed ending there indicates past tense, I know. I meant for it to be that way. My grammar may not be the best, but I do know enough of it for that to be correct.

See, it's one thing when you're laughing to yourself about your poor character being reincarnated and meeting characters that they know are fictional and panicking so hard they fuck up, but it's another thing entirely to wake up and realize you can barely see, let alone move, or properly speak or understand anyone around you.

Reincarnation is funny as fuck when it's not happening to you, right?

Well, I have about a thousand questions as to why it's now happening to me. I sure didn't foresee it, never considered it, this is the sort of things you write fiction about. This IS fiction. And I mean, yeah, maybe there's alternate universes where this is the real thing, but really. If reincarnation is real, why would you end up in another universe? Any why remember? It just doesn't make any sense.

Unless this is completely normal and no one ever knows because we're all reincarnated into new universes and none of us dare tell the truth, and those who do are deemed crazy with split identity disorder?

That's... Not at all comforting to think about, but at the same time it'd make so much sense. Alternate universes are limitless, right? They split at every choice made, wasn't it?

It's entirely possible there's no one else in this world like me, while at the same time it could be countless. Maybe this world is already doomed to failure, and if that is the case then nothing I do should really matter.

Like this insult problem. It's tomato right now and not habanero pepper or whatever it was in canon. Maybe it's because I haven't immediately beaten up everyone shouting at me? I haven't shown that big of a temper. I might need to fix that, but, that might also have been half the problem. If I don't seem to care, will they really bother to continue? Or will they escalate?

"Ugh," I voice in my frustration at not figuring out any of this, gaining a questioning look from the unlucky sod sitting next to me, and unfortunately blocking the view out the window. Can't zone out on lectures without making it seem like I'm looking at him and I do not want to be regarded as a fangirl.

So instead I glare back, causing him to flush and look at our sensei again. I pretend to not notice him glancing at me once I turn my glare away.

He's cute and all, but he's just a kid. Maybe it'll be different when we're all adults, but I doubt it. My body may be physically about the same age as this kid, but mentally I'm much older. I don't date people years and years younger than me, never have and never will, I'm sure.

Sorry future-Hokage-to-be, this Uzumaki won't be giving you kids.

It means Naruto won't be born, I know, but I already figured this universe was doomed, remember? So it's only a good thing, now Minato won't die sealing the kyuubi into himself and Naruto. That's got to be a bonus, and if nothing else he might still have Naruto with some other woman. Or he might be the one to figure things out and save the nations. Minato has been called a genius, you know. It could be possible...

Hush, I'm allowed to dream.

There's got to be something wrong with him, though. Mentally. He's somehow got a crush on me - and sure, I can understand the liking the red hair thing because I've wanted red hair since my previous life, but he's gotten to know me a little now so that should be over and done with - and is very obvious about it.

But then again, there were fangirls for Sasuke as a broody avenger. Clearly sour faces are attractive. Maybe if I smile more?

Ah, no, nevermind.

Watching the boy on my other side cringe away from me so much that he almost falls right onto the floor, I drop the smile. As much as I want to be left alone, I do not want to be the first Anko in existence. Sure, people would be terrified of me, but people would also be terrified of me.

They would all know who I am and fear having to be around me at least during working hours. Though that might not be as bad as I think, actually. Yeah, lets put that smile back on.

Thud, says the sound of the other boy falling. Fainting, maybe. I don't care much if not for the judgmental frown on sensei's face. Oh well, one day he's gonna be scared of me, too. Everyone will be.

Except for that blond idiot next to the window, apparently, because he's smiling back at me.


	5. Uchiha Itachi, Take One

**A/N: I accidentally forgot to update on FFNet. Sorry (on an entirely "unrelated" note, the version of this up on AO3 gets updated a lot quicker than this so if you want first look at chapters, that's still the place to go). Anyway, the idea for this was loaned to me by a friend and basically it's just a reincarnation meeting a reincarnation. Sort of.**

* * *

I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up-

The words are on repeat in my head as I try - and succeed because damn are these features good with a poker face, it's no wonder he never - no. Don't get distracted. This is not a situation to get distracted in. Well, no situation in this damn world is, but this is one of those it's definitely not. This is not canon.

Oh Gods is this not canon. I would definitely remember if it had been, you don't really forget this sort of thing. It's an anime, viewers don't get to forget what happens in arcs with time travels like the characters do. I watched every episode of the anime - I think? - and this did not happen.

Somehow I fucked up and someone decided time travel was the way to fix it. And sent Uchiha fucking Sasuke back to do it. Or. Or did I misstep and reveal myself after the massacre and he decided to come back and change it somehow? Did his Sharingan get fucked up? Is this Sharingan magic bullshit?

Shit. I got distracted again.

"Hn."

There. The typical Uchiha response. That along with the poker face won't reveal my panic. I hope.

"..."

He's looking at me weirdly. Oh Gods, I knew it. I knew he knows. Knew he knows - is that proper grammar - never mind!

"Who are you?"

What.

I know he knows who I am so why -

Is he checking that he got the timing right? No, he'd ask my age or something then, so what - he must be pretending to be someone else. This must be why no one warned me of his coming. Maybe he recently appeared, claimed to be a lost relative and proved it with the Sharingan? It's what I'd do if I had to time travel and couldn't trust the government...

Wait. If he knows who I am, he'd worry I'd figure it out anyway and decide it is better to make me trust him by the tellling the truth, right?

"...Itachi."

He looks at me as if surprised, which doesn't make any sense. Did I do this wrong? Was I not supposed to be careful about introducing myself to someone no one has thought to introduce me to? Was the leaving out my last name part a bad idea after all? I thought it seemed like common sense - oh. Right. Common sense and Uchihas don't go hand in hand. But I'm Itachi, that'll have to be excuse enough.

Especially given that my newly born younger brother just appeared from the future and is pretending otherwise.

This time Sasuke smiles slightly, and what the fuck? Nodding at me, he returns the favor, "you must be the heir, my name is Sasuke. I suppose you've heard of my appearing here?"

"...Some," I tilt my head as if curious to learn more about him, in this world I cannot possibly be different from what he knows so my regular mannerisms with the clan will have to do, I know not what I will be in the future he knows. That is to say, I know nothing of what I want to be, just what I can be, and parts of that I'd love to not be.

Sasuke looks at me almost fond, more than I'd have thought he'd be if I do what I am destined to, and it's the strangest choice of words that come from him, "I thought so. You'll learn more soon, I'll make sure of it. My big brother once taught me that trusting your clan is a choice, and while I may not know this part of it, I know my clan. I'd like to trust you, if you'd let me."

This is nothing like the Sasuke I thought he'd grow up to be, no matter what I do. And choices? Would I make that choice, the one trusting them while knowing they plan to take over the village? Knowing that the village needs to be stronger than it is, not weakened from the clan? I can't imagine it.

There's obviously something very wrong with my little brother. It's either that or he's not actually my little brother and instead some sort of doppleganger. A double. Maybe from a parallel universe? That would be helpful, at least, as it might mean that when he leaves, I won't constantly be watched as they wait for me to start killing them all. Perhaps in that universe Uchiha Itachi was never born, or there was more than one elder sibling, the eldest someone capable of showing the village they can be trusted.

"Your big brother?" of course, as Itachi, someone I've always thought to be smart - not clever, that's different - I have to notice the parts that are important. If I do not know this Sasuke, I would assume that the big brother part might be another Uchiha who has never been found. And that could be a problem.

"Ah," Sasuke makes an affirming noise, clearly refraining from telling me my own name. "You remind me of him."

Well, then.

"He's of few words, as well."

Sasuke isn't. That's normal, I think. Before the massacre. Did it never happen in this Sasuke's life? Gods, there's so many questions left unanswered.

"I see," I'm clearly proving him right because I'm at a loss for what to say further. Will a twitch of my lips that hint at a smile work? Yes, good, there's a hint of a smile back. I hope. I've grown used to being able to read Uchiha emotions from all these years but I'm still not perfect at it. I've made a few mistakes. Horrible ones. Poor Fugaku.

"I thought I would get something to snack on before I meet with the Clan Head and Hokage, would you like to join me?"

I tilt my head, watching him. Considering him, not the offer, is what I hope he thinks I am doing. In truth, I believe I know him. I just don't know if the smart Itachi-like thing would be to say yes or no. Do I excuse myself with some random important training or such, or do I agree? Maybe if it depends on the snack? Ugh, this is just like Politics.

"What were you thinking of getting?"

"Well, what do you recommend?"

So that's how it's going to be. Fine. Maybe I can actually learn something from this entire thing. Maybe he'll think this is an Alternate Universe if I act differently. It's not like anyone will accuse me of not being Itachi when I'm the only Itachi known in this Universe. I should be safe, though as usual I'm going to prepare for the worst.

"Follow me."

And now for the most important decision of all times. Do I follow my sweet tooth and take him for dango on the assumption that everyone likes dango even though I'm of the belief that he does not enjoy sweet things, or do I follow the kind and considerate side of me and take him for onigiri of which he can choose what he likes?

The temptation for dango is strong, increasingly so for every step I take, but I will be training later. It may be smarter to go for Onigiri. Do I ask? Should I?

The struggle is too real, what if he really only does like tomatoes, oh Gods. Merlin. Fate. Help me out here, give me a sign.

"I suppose I should mention that I may be sparring later," Sasuke tells me in a very casual manner, after minutes of silent walking, proving to me that if I call for the Gods, Merlin and Fate, my prayers will be answered. Good to know. Onigiri it is.

It takes me a moment to realize he's fallen silent again, and I doubt he'd said it for the sake of just letting me think up somewhere to eat. Clearly he's waiting for the inquisitive sound I make as it clicks in my mind.

"Would you like to come? I could use another sparring partner and I have heard good things about you," 'have heard good things about you'? Who says those kind of things these days? Is that another difference of time? Does the future really hold such easy-going remarks? I'm looking forward to it, then. Sort of.

"I could make time," I offer slowly, glancing over at him. He's looking around like he's a tourist, which is strange but at the same time not. He must be seeing differences he's never noticed before. He probably didn't think much of knowing the Village after the Massacre and then later the invasion and so on. Man, Konoha sure has shit luck every few years. "I find myself curious to learn what you know."

There, that's as good as any reason and it's even the truth.

"I have heard you are well-traveled," it's not quite a question, but it follows my previous words and he'll think it's me following up on it instead of trying to steer the conversation into some, uh, safe spaces. Also, I'd really like to hear about it all so I can prepare. Some things will always be the same and I'm betting that if he has no intention of revealing his time traveling, he'll stick to those parts.

I am a genius, clearly. Officially and unofficially.

Okay, no I'm not, but I can damn well pretend. If there is one thing I've always been good at, in my previous life as well, it's pretending. Everything from happiness to understanding. Guess I'm the perfect fit for Itachi when it really comes down to it, maybe there never even was an original Itachi but always a reincarnation. A pretender who can't help but love their younger sibling, always.

The little brother thing is not new to me. I had one before. A boy who got to grow into a man and yet still always absolutely had to talk to me about things we had in common. He was a blabbermouth, just like Sasuke really. Heck, maybe he IS my little brother from my previous life but doesn't remember like I do. I hope not, though I like to think I would have noticed by now if that was the case.

Maybe not. Any reincarnation should know to not take orders from Danzo without confirmation from the Hokage. Unless that was all wrong. There are so many variables that I can't imagine would happen if there's a reincarnation responsible for playing Itachi. Not if they know.

The Massacre will not happen like in the anime. It can't. I could never torture my little brother, not even knowing everything. Kill everyone, maybe, but not torture. Not my little brother.

I'm going to need a better spynet than I have, someone fully loyal to only me. Summons. Itachi had crows, didn't he? I can use crows.

"Ah, but if there is one thing that remains the same, it is this," oh, Sasuke is smiling. We're by the stand with my favorite onigiri and he is smiling right at me. Smiling. Sasuke. At me.

What.

"I think I'll go for two with tomatoes. Would you like any? Consider it repayment for showing me here."

What.

How different is the future from canon?! He doesn't look like he's gone past the defeat of Kaguya yet, just - what. I don't understand anything anymore.

I force out a sound of denial, but it's not as hard as I expect. Maybe because I'm in total denial about a lot of things so it's pretty much just an automatic response to plenty of things. Of which I usually repress, not let out, but beggars can't be choosers.

"Later then. Maybe we can share a meal after sparring?"

He seems insistent on spending time with me. But I did say I'd make time. I guess I'll have to stick to it, unless a mission comes up. Gods, I hope I get a mission. At least then I'd know what to do.

My nod is slow and hesitant, not an outright agreement but accepting the maybe for now. And then I make my escape, rudely leaving him behind to find his own way to the Hokage's Office. Very not-Itachi when I think about it, but whatever. I'm sure it'll be explained away somehow, people do that for people who are thought of as geniuses. Explain it away as quirks when we do something impolite.

As I wander away, though, I could've sworn I heard the tune of a familiar old Christmas song whistled slowly and very prettily.


End file.
